What do you do and where do you start? Well, as ugly as it may sound, in many cases you need an attorney immediately. You need to put all that wishing and hoping things will be OK without one aside for the benefit of the children now in limbo until you act on their behalf. You will likely need to spend some resources on securing permanent custody or adoption in many situations. Do not be timid about asking the other grandparents directly to help out if they are reachable. Whether they can help physically or financially, they care about those little ones too and you should not hesitate to ask for their assistance! If they refuse to help, it will be their loss not yours. In situations where Social Security benefits, court ordered child support and other financial aid is a possibility to assist in the children’s living expenses, court documents will be essential to enabling grandparents to legally collect any support due.

What about health issues? Without custody, you may not be able to authorize any medical decisions or treatment, and the medical professionals treating the child may not be able to discuss their condition with you until an absent parent is reached. Do not put you or the child in the position of being in the hands of strangers or state custody during a medical crisis. If the children don’t have any health insurance coverage, get it yourself. Depending on income, you may qualify for a state free or reduced price program, you may be able to add them as a dependent on your current coverage, or the most cost effective way may be to purchase private coverage with a policy covering the child(ren) only in lieu of a group family policy.

Get copies of birth certificates, Social Security cards, passports, immunization records, allergies, pediatric contact info, parents’ Social Security numbers, etc. Anything that helps you maintain a sense of calm and order will be a benefit to you at some point if you can get it now. You will need these types of items for school enrollment, tax preparation and identification at some point, so have them readily available. Pick out a trusted family member or friend to keep an extra copy of each item off premises who could step in during an emergency and provide these important documents if needed.

Have a current set of fingerprints, notes or pictures of any special scars or birthmarks and pictures ready in the event the child is abducted or taken without your knowledge or permission. Hopefully, you will never need these items, but sadly, there are families with awful situations involving young children that these types of items will be needed to give to authorities for an Amber alert or rapid positive identification purposes several states or countries away.

Buy and install car seats. In many states children will require booster seats up to age 7 or a certain height or weight limit.

If they are school age, contact the school directly and see how you need to go about changing emergency contact procedures on their records. Are they eligible to continue attending their current school district through the end of the school year, or do you need to enroll them in your district now? While this may sound like a small thing, before the first day in a new school, take a good look around. What are the kids wearing here? Do you need to buy a few minor clothing items to help them “fit in” a little easier during an already difficult situation? It will be money well spent. What about their lunch money account?

Update your wills, living wills, and trusts. If you are the adult they count on now, make provisions in these important documents to provide for them if needed. You need to name alternate guardians as well.

On existing trust issues, you need to have a visit with your attorney. Do you need to change directions and have estate monies paid into a testamentary trust for their benefit? Can you alter any current trust arrangement beneficiaries? What are the gaps between your old estate planning and the new estate planning needs with the addition of minor age children?

Life insurance needs reviewed. You may have been just fine when you only needed to provide for a spouse as the only dependent and they were your primary beneficiary on all your death benefits. Now, with the potential financial needs for perhaps only another few teenage years to perhaps infancy to a young adult’s college expenses, this area may need updated too. Coordinate any beneficiary and ownership issues with your estate plan and any trusts you may be planning. Talk to your trusted agent about how you could add some coverage on the children in the event of their premature death for last expenses.

Disability insurance may need to be secured. If you are under age 65, and still working to support your new young family, investigate your group plans first to protect your needed earnings. If there is no coverage available, secure it privately.

Social Security benefits may be a possibility. If you are already retired and collecting benefits, there are provisions for minor age children of retirees to collect up to ½ of a parents benefit to age 18. The rules will be different for grandchildren, but take out time to personally visit with the local Social Security office to determine if there could be any support monies here for your custodial arrangements and what you would need to apply for benefits.

State programs are becoming available. Many states are recognizing the important role grandparents are playing in the security of children that without their help would be in foster care. Call your local state aid office and see if there are any support programs or additional tax related programs to help you.

IRA’s, Roth IRA’s, company life insurance and 401(k)’s. You need to update beneficiary arrangements on these too. Coordinate with your overall estate plans. Note, do not leave the money directly to minor children. Each state has a different way of protecting this type of money gifts to minors until they reach adulthood that may not be what you had intended.

Income taxes will change. The rules are very specific on who can be claimed as a dependent. If you qualify, each child could generate up to a $1,000 tax credit or more if child care is needed, plus additional dependent exemptions at filing time. This may bring you some relief with lower tax liabilities especially after the children have been with you the first full calendar tax year.

Do a safety and security check around the house. Do you need to install cabinet locks, wall outlet covers, move medications out of reach, put away fragile heirlooms that had been on display, change the settings on any security pass codes, buy smoke alarms you can record your voice and exit instructions on, repair any items that could cause curious little ones harm if they were out of sight for only a few minutes, etc?

If needed, get emotional counseling early instead of late. If your house is not a haven, something or someone needs to change, regardless of age and maturity. An experienced Pastor or Counselor may be your best solution.

Secure the services of a qualified professional Advisor to help you with financial decisions. Your old assumptions used to build a portfolio are no longer valid and you may need to change risk tolerance strategies, or the amounts you are able to save may now be reduced.

Find some playmates. Kids need other kids and you need a break too. Pre-school, church, local parks, libraries, YMCA swim classes, etc. plus many other local facilities have activities that can help establish new friendships and resources for all of you.

Forgive. This will be the hardest part for many. You will need to forgive your child for putting you all in this position and let it go. You will need to forgive yourself because you did not fail in your parenting efforts, you tried your best. You will need to forgive your grandchildren’s other parent for not being willing to step up to the responsibility of parenthood and let it go. You will need to forgive others who say cruel things to you when you needed support instead, they may truly understand or be able to comprehend firsthand what you are going through..

Rejoice. You will smile, sigh and rejoice in the happy moments because you can choose to do so even if this is not the next career or retirement path you had initially planned.

Author: Amy Rose Herrick, a Member of the Paladin Registry